I struggle. Which is part of the reason why I write this blog. I figure, If I’m struggling, maybe others are too. And maybe I can help others through my writing. I hope you like it, but even if you don’t, it’s none of my business. I shouldn’t judge my worth on what others’ think of me and my writing, but I still do.
Here’s my confession:
I struggle with being good enough.
There’s this old idea inside my head that rears itself once in a while. That is, that I have to ”do” something in order to be worth something. It is not enough to just ’be” – I have to do.
I struggle between being a human being and a human doing.
Oh how I wish I could just hang out, binging Netflix and relaxing. But even when I relax, my mind races. And I do not allow myself to watch Netflix unless I am working out. Harsh, no? But true. Because the idea that I should be allowed to just sit and relax and do nothing? Too decadent and self-indulgent. I can’t do it.
Part of it is where I am in life: I have young children who need my attention while we wait out the pandemic. I help them with their schooling, I take them to the park. We play games and do activities lest they get bored, or worse, anxious. Add that job to my full time job of running a congregation. Every clergy person I know is falling into the trap of setting their worth on how much content they are producing. And how well and slick their production is in the sharing of that content. It;s exhausting just reading about it! But, here’s what I’ve learned.
I have to confront my old ideas about my worth.
- I am enough just in the fact that I am breathing! God loves us all, and we don’t have to do anything to merit that love
- My job as a human being is just that – to be.
- It’s okay if once in a while I stop “doing” and embrace that reality
So, to really be “zen” about not being productive, I have to admit and accept my struggle. Once I name it and put it out there, it is no longer my secret. And maybe – I may find a few fellow travelers who struggle with this as well.