I am terrible at grieving. I can’t even believe I’m writing a blog about it because usually bloggers share how to do something they are good at. But I admit, I suck at it. Pure and simple. Grief is like a Dementor in Harry Potter – https://www.hp-lexicon.org/creature/dark-creatures/dementors/
Grief sucks at the very marrow of one’s being.
When someone close to me has died, whether it was sudden or expected, it tore at the very fabric of my being. And trying to function, while in a state of active grief, is very difficult. Unfortunately, our society does not allow us to “grieve well.” There’s an expectation that we return to life as functional as soon as possible after a death. They tell us how strong we are or how well we are doing. Those who take the lonely road of real grief know: It’s a hard journey.
And yet, as hard as it is to grieve, the idea of letting go of someone and moving on, can almost seem like betrayal. That when I attempt to return to life on any kind of functioning basis seems like I’m denying someone’s memory. Nothing is farther from the truth. I am not a counselor and have no formal theraputic training. I have had a lot of experience with grief. Here’s what I’ve learned:
Even months after someone died, my grief was so strong, so tangible that I had trouble functioning. People, loved ones, well meaning friends, did not understand the level of my grief. Grief feels like a lonely path. Sometimes, mo one seems to want to talk about it. No one seems to understand why you can’t snap your fingers and return to normal high level functioning. Hence, we have to become our own advocates.
Here are some rules for grieving:
- Be gentle with yourself. You are not weak, you are grieving.
- Grief does not have a linear timetable – you don’t have to be “fine” on anyone’s schedule. Because let’s face it, we will never be ‘fine’ and let’s face it, we never were.
- Grief is not one dimensional. You may experience resentment, anger and other feelings about the person who died. It doesn’t diminish the relationship you had. But it does help you reconcile the feelings you are currently dealing with.
- Death ends a life, but it doesn’t end a relationship. You can continue to have a relationship with someone after death. And only you get to define that relationship without judgment.
Is there anyone else who struggles with grief? I am looking to explore further how we can emerge through the grieving process.
For me, the power of memory brings me comfort and the strength to get through that next day. But it’s the issue of time that is most difficult. Loss teaches the value and importance of how we spend our time. The question is do we take advantage of the lesson.
That is the age old question – do we use our grief as an opportunity to remember. Carpe Diem – life is so very short…
Sometimes I say grief is a friend, an unusual one, but it is there to help me heal. When I embrace my grief and cry, journal, beat the bed with a tennis racket, I’m emotionally worn out. Then time passes and I feel a liitle stronger. Days pass and grief appears. I continue to walk the walk and I soon realize, I feel more joy and less sadness. Its hard and painful, but being honest with myself, walking my journey has helped me heal and be more compassionate.
I love your comment – grief is an unusual friend…It’s a beautiful metaphor for a friend who makes us grow, but like a metamorphosis-it’s a painful kind of growth. And yes, we do emerge more compassionate…
Grief is not just a reaction to death. Grief can come with any loss. How many of us have grieved over someone still alive? I know I have. I have grieved over the loss of health. Anyone reading this ever have to move…there are many of us who must relocate…ever go through the painful process of losing a home you loved? Grief is experienced by all who lose some thing, some place, or some person near and dear to their heart. I have learned to cut myself a lot of slack when it comes to grieving. I don’t beat myself up for feeling intense sadness at times. Grief ebbs and flows. Grief has no time frame.
Grief has no time frame – nor any finish line. So very true…
I will be posting more about grief in the coming weeks. So grateful you are moving through the process. Thank you for commenting.
I also suck at grief and don’t like it at all! I recently ended a 2 year relationship and while I know it was the right decision, it is still painful. Here is what grieving looks like for me. I am going through my day and everything seems fine and out of nowhere a wave of sadness hits me. I have learned not to resist it and sometimes it literally knocks me off my feet and I am on the ground crying. After a moment or so, I get up and start moving through my day again. The analogy I created for grief is Go Right Inside Exhale Faith.